kkscatnip

Last night I took Red Diamond ecstasy. According to various sites, it's notorious for being clean (ie, not cut with speed/meth/whatnot) but weak, so I was excited about it! Em came too, because neither of us wanted to take it alone, and I have to say: it was an amazing experience.

It only lasted about three hours, but that's barely shorter than the normal time for pure ecstasy, which is right around four hours or so.

I decided since I was bipolar and I'd done all the goggling I could about this substance but still had no idea how strong the pills really were, I would let Em take hers first and see how it effected her and then take mine if it wasn't too intense. The pill took about an hour to start working, and another thirty minutes after that before she was really rolling.

I took mine too at that point, and sat on the couch waiting for it to hit me whilst Em wandered around the apartment touching everything, rolling on the floor, etc.

Em couldn't stop moving, and once it hit me I couldn't either. But it was like-- it wasn't like figging, where the ginger just makes you move because you feel so much overpowering need. It was more like just for the joy of moving, for the feeling of my muscles moving and my body touching the air or the couch or whatever else. We both got overheated and took off our clothes in pretty short order.

We spent a lot of time just touching each other, standing there and touching skin. It felt amazing, but not intense the way a lot of people describe it. For me it was more of a captivating feeling, like I could feel every little thing and every little thing was just so absolutely enthralling.

At one point we tried having sex, and things that were normally uninteresting to me, like fingering or nipple play, were just so amazing. I don't think they felt better than usual, it was just that I was so very mesmerized by every little sensation. I felt like I was going to come at one point and I made her stop, because I didn't want to come.

I now have no idea how people have tons and tons of sex on ecstasy, to be honest! I guess I can see it for someone who's used to it, but definitely not for a first-time user. Cuddling was so much more interesting.

And talking! I don't normally have much of a filter on what I say, but I do at least have a little bit of one. That little bit was just gone; I told Em how peeing had never felt so smooth, and how I was worried about if I died that the people I love wouldn't know that I love them.

Kit and I talked after Em went home and coined a term: wall-love. Where you feel so in love with everything that you declare your love for a wall-- and it's not just like a drunken declaration, it's a feeling, like you feel on a deep level that you really love the wall because it's always there standing up for you to lean on. You love the wall.

I was really, really feeling the wall-love, especially once the spellbound-by-sensation stage passed.

I ended up telling my girlfriend that I love her, but I wasn't sure if it was romantic love or not because I hadn't really thought on it that much. I'd been afraid to tell her, for various reasons, but it really felt good to just let her know. It might not have been exactly what she wanted to hear, but I feel better having said it.

I think I'm still feeling the wall-love to an extent, to be honest? I mean I'm a pretty loving person generally but this feels slightly more than usual. At least my self-censoring is back to the point that I'm not e-mailing everyone and IMing everyone just to be like, hey, I love you, you need to know that I love you. (Just, oh, some people. hahaha.)

Anyway so I think that was my big epiphany for the night: I have to tell people that I love them, when I love them. Otherwise there's no point in loving them. Love is something to be shared, not hoarded away, and I think most people know by now that I'm all about the sharing (and over-sharing.)

And that's totally that. I will happily answer any questions if someone wants to ask! :D