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Pick up the pieces and live with the stars
Dec. 9th, 2011 01:24 pm
My girlfriend and I broke up. It took about a week.
She said something on the lines of "but we can't talk anymore, because I couldn't take it" so I haven't spoken to her since November 17th. Yep. It hurts, but most of what hurts is not being able to have her as a friend. Maybe someday, but I think probably not, with the way she was talking.
Post break-up, I have been thinking a lot about myself, about what I want, about how much I let other people dictate my actions. I shave because other people are uncomfortable with me going natural; I keep myself from doing "out-there" things for fear of what my family and friends will think. Essentially, I self-censor my actions, to make myself more appealing.
For what purpose, though? I realized over Thanksgiving that, beyond alienating people, there wasn't a lot of point in doing things because other people expect it. So I got my lip pierced--something I have wanted to do since I took the earring out of the top of my ear for work, five years or so ago.
I am going to dye a streak of color in my hair, too! It's another thing I've wanted for ages. Purple and blue, maybe a little red. But probably just purple and blue.
Now I am turning that type of thinking inward, wondering about my sexuality. I have always formed more lasting relationships with women; I am more visually interested in the female form than the male form.
Does it mean I am lesbian? I don't think it does. I like cock too much, I like androgyny too much, to be purely lesbian. But I do think I am going to shift my label from pansexual to queer. Queer is just more fitting, since I am really beginning to notice that yeah, I do have a bias.
Makes me wonder about writing m/m fiction, but... that's a can of worms for another day, I think.
She said something on the lines of "but we can't talk anymore, because I couldn't take it" so I haven't spoken to her since November 17th. Yep. It hurts, but most of what hurts is not being able to have her as a friend. Maybe someday, but I think probably not, with the way she was talking.
Post break-up, I have been thinking a lot about myself, about what I want, about how much I let other people dictate my actions. I shave because other people are uncomfortable with me going natural; I keep myself from doing "out-there" things for fear of what my family and friends will think. Essentially, I self-censor my actions, to make myself more appealing.
For what purpose, though? I realized over Thanksgiving that, beyond alienating people, there wasn't a lot of point in doing things because other people expect it. So I got my lip pierced--something I have wanted to do since I took the earring out of the top of my ear for work, five years or so ago.
I am going to dye a streak of color in my hair, too! It's another thing I've wanted for ages. Purple and blue, maybe a little red. But probably just purple and blue.
Now I am turning that type of thinking inward, wondering about my sexuality. I have always formed more lasting relationships with women; I am more visually interested in the female form than the male form.
Does it mean I am lesbian? I don't think it does. I like cock too much, I like androgyny too much, to be purely lesbian. But I do think I am going to shift my label from pansexual to queer. Queer is just more fitting, since I am really beginning to notice that yeah, I do have a bias.
Makes me wonder about writing m/m fiction, but... that's a can of worms for another day, I think.
