I know things will get better
Jan. 10th, 2012 02:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kkscatnip
Man, the whole "starting to write journal entries again" thing is harder than I expected it to be. I really have gotten into the habit of closing up completely when bad things happen or I am feeling bad; it is going to take some working for me to start opening up again the way I used to.
I wrote about what happened last week with Bonnie, but I am in some ways still reeling from that. I was very ready to love her to little pieces, but it just didn't work. It didn't! She is a great person, but I got triggered and just couldn't deal with it. So I am still working on getting over that feeling of high alert/stress from being triggered, and mourning the fact that she won't be moving in. Not easy.
Also I think I spent Nov/Dec avoiding feelings in general by burying myself in writing. I wrote 150k words in two months! And successfully did not have to deal with anything but writing.
Stuff has still been happening, though.
The thing my mom had brain surgery two years ago to cure, trigeminal neuralgia aka TN, is back. TN is known as the suicide disease; it involves lots and lots of inescapable nerve pain. And this is on top of my mom's psoriatic arthritis and fibromayalgia. I feel so, so bad for her, but there is nothing I can do. I can't take the pain away from her. I can't do anything but do things for her, which is sucky but that is the way it is. So I am dealing with this; the whole family is dealing with this.
I went to get blood drawn and found out that my blood is VERY clotty. Like an unhealthy amount; it is surprising I haven't ended up with some kind of life-threatening blood clot yet. This may be due to a clotting gene, though, rather than simply due to me being overweight. (Though I am sure that being overweight has not in any way helped this.)
But right now I have no health insurance, and the clots are not causing anything life-threatening enough to warrant a visit to the urgent care place that will only charge me $20. So even if I do find out that yeah, the gene is in our family... I can't do anything about it until May, when my SSDI insurance will go into effect. So I have started taking asprin every day (yes, with food) and that and exercising are about all I can do right now. Which sucks. But there it is.
And then there is the part where I am finally starting to deal, emotionally, with the break-up with Hope. This is the hardest thing for me, I think; my longest relationship prior to her was like, four months. And I dated her for a year. A year of talking at least five days a week, phone sex, in-person visits. A year of sharing and sharing!
It feels so weird to be alone now, to not have someone to share things with. I am still coming to grips with it.
The hardest part is the sexual portion, I think. My sex drive is nearly zero now; I actively Do Not Want To Have Sex with other people and I am not even horny enough to masturbate most of the time, which is really unusual for me. Both things.
A lot of my identity is tied up in sex, so to have that not be there anymore is just really, really hard. I want to get beaten really well, or something--just have some sort of release, because nothing feels like a release right now and it's just getting deeper and deeper.
I wouldn't call it depression, though. It's just... a weight on my back, kind of. I feel like there is no closure due to Hope and I having not talked since then. I need to mentally reset her in my brain; I have so much trouble mentally naming her as ex-girlfriend. But I can't do that as long as we aren't talking.
I sent her an e-mail a week or so ago. No reply. I kind of want to send another, just pour my feelings out, but I feel sort of like it would be shouting into empty space if she didn't reply.
Emotions, y you do dis?
In other news, I have started using Plurk again. Does anybody else here use it?
I wrote about what happened last week with Bonnie, but I am in some ways still reeling from that. I was very ready to love her to little pieces, but it just didn't work. It didn't! She is a great person, but I got triggered and just couldn't deal with it. So I am still working on getting over that feeling of high alert/stress from being triggered, and mourning the fact that she won't be moving in. Not easy.
Also I think I spent Nov/Dec avoiding feelings in general by burying myself in writing. I wrote 150k words in two months! And successfully did not have to deal with anything but writing.
Stuff has still been happening, though.
The thing my mom had brain surgery two years ago to cure, trigeminal neuralgia aka TN, is back. TN is known as the suicide disease; it involves lots and lots of inescapable nerve pain. And this is on top of my mom's psoriatic arthritis and fibromayalgia. I feel so, so bad for her, but there is nothing I can do. I can't take the pain away from her. I can't do anything but do things for her, which is sucky but that is the way it is. So I am dealing with this; the whole family is dealing with this.
I went to get blood drawn and found out that my blood is VERY clotty. Like an unhealthy amount; it is surprising I haven't ended up with some kind of life-threatening blood clot yet. This may be due to a clotting gene, though, rather than simply due to me being overweight. (Though I am sure that being overweight has not in any way helped this.)
But right now I have no health insurance, and the clots are not causing anything life-threatening enough to warrant a visit to the urgent care place that will only charge me $20. So even if I do find out that yeah, the gene is in our family... I can't do anything about it until May, when my SSDI insurance will go into effect. So I have started taking asprin every day (yes, with food) and that and exercising are about all I can do right now. Which sucks. But there it is.
And then there is the part where I am finally starting to deal, emotionally, with the break-up with Hope. This is the hardest thing for me, I think; my longest relationship prior to her was like, four months. And I dated her for a year. A year of talking at least five days a week, phone sex, in-person visits. A year of sharing and sharing!
It feels so weird to be alone now, to not have someone to share things with. I am still coming to grips with it.
The hardest part is the sexual portion, I think. My sex drive is nearly zero now; I actively Do Not Want To Have Sex with other people and I am not even horny enough to masturbate most of the time, which is really unusual for me. Both things.
A lot of my identity is tied up in sex, so to have that not be there anymore is just really, really hard. I want to get beaten really well, or something--just have some sort of release, because nothing feels like a release right now and it's just getting deeper and deeper.
I wouldn't call it depression, though. It's just... a weight on my back, kind of. I feel like there is no closure due to Hope and I having not talked since then. I need to mentally reset her in my brain; I have so much trouble mentally naming her as ex-girlfriend. But I can't do that as long as we aren't talking.
I sent her an e-mail a week or so ago. No reply. I kind of want to send another, just pour my feelings out, but I feel sort of like it would be shouting into empty space if she didn't reply.
Emotions, y you do dis?
In other news, I have started using Plurk again. Does anybody else here use it?
