kkscatnip: Original (Default)
I realized today that the last entry I posted was a month ago, and I've only posted one entry for 2013. Oops.

Part of it, I think, is that I started journaling for mental health stuff, and by the time I've vomited all of those words onto the page I don't have the mental energy to rehash it on LJ.

I've realized that I'm not quite comfortable anymore talking about all of my problems and innermost thoughts on LJ, either, even in locked entries. I've seen in the past how easy it is to get into someone's f-locked stuff, so I just... ehh, it makes me uncomfortable. I am sure in the future I will get to a point where I am less of a ball of paranoid anxiety, but for now this is what's going on.

My pdoc refuses to put me on an anti-anxiety drug, citing the fact that half of my present cocktail is supposed to help with anxiety. They're not anymore, are they, if I'm afraid of posting even this much somewhere that people can read it? Blargararagargagbesdasdkldrepojgfpa (But she gets so, so angry when I suggest that maybe marijuana might be a good substitute. Most def. something I am going to pursue once I move.)

Anyway. So there's a few things going on right now that are both related and unrelated to mental health:

- CON SEASON. Furry Weekend Atlanta and Atlanta Poly Weekend are the same weekend this year, argh. Upon looking at the panels, FWA has more that I'm actually interested in hearing about and feel like I could learn from. It's saddening because I've gone to every APW, even the very first one, and been absolutely overjoyed to watch them grow the way they have. It's a beautiful thing, but I am getting more and more into my furry identity and there's just so many things I don't know about that I want to learn, so I feel like that's the more valuable time expenditure. It still makes me sad to have to choose, though :(

- MOVING TO SAN FRANCISCO. Yes. It's going to happen. A couple of my friends are moving, so I'm moving with them, because it's a great opportunity and I am unsatisfied by Atlanta. I really miss Boston a lot, all the time, so hopefully moving to SF will lessen that because it is also a fucking awesome city. And there's the bit where I could get an actual scrip for pot, which is exciting.

- THE FLU. I have been so sick the last few days, omg. I caught the plague that knocked my roommate out of commission for a week and a half, but not directly from her--no, I caught it from her boyfriend. What bullshit is this D:

- SIM CITY. New Sim City game comes out in two days. Two days! Aaaaah, I am so wonderfully excited for this. I still play SC4 on a weekly, if not daily, basis so this is something that is going to be very, very fun for me :D
kkscatnip: (kind of n-n-nervous)
I've had this entry open and blank for two days because I am really not even sure what I want to write about. I need to write more in this journal, but I am just completely stuck on what I want to write about. (And I've been working on this entry for an additional two weeks. Go me.)

Guess I'll start with mental illness, since that's the hardest thing. Accomplish that and everything else will be easy, right? Here's to hoping! :D

My roommate and I had this extended discussion (three hours, y'all) about mental illness, wherein we discussed our own.

For anyone who is wondering, my background with mental illness, in shiny bullet points:
- 6 years old: have reoccurring, debilitating migraines, night terrors, etc; diagnosed with depression.
- 12 years old: committed to a lock-down unit due to suicidal threats; diagnosis of depression was thrown out, diagnosed bipolar.
- 25 years old: institutionalized four times within one year, once for anxiety that led to suicidal ideation, twice for plain old suicidal ideation, and once for actually trying to commit suicide (in that order); diagnosed borderline personality and generalized anxiety in addition to the bipolar diagnosis being upheld.
- 26 years old: placed on permanent disability (SSDI); I got SSDI the very first time I applied... I didn't go through the rejection/appeal process at all, probably because whatever the doctors told them did a good job of convincing them I was not functional on a long term basis.

So there's your run-down. I have been steadily prescribed medicine since I was twelve; I didn't start taking it seriously until I was sixteen or so, which was when I finally accepted that there might be something wrong with me. So it took me about four years between diagnosis of bipolar and accepting the diagnosis, pretty much. And even then it took me a year or two to really internalize accepting the illness; it's not a quick process.

Looking at it now, I think it's taken me three years to accept my diagnosis of borderline. I am in the process of accepting it now. I mean, when you look at the symptoms, it's like reading a checklist of what I have done for the vast majority of my life:

Read more... )

Reading all this, it's kind of amazing that for fourteen years nobody realized that I had this disorder.

So, I am borderline. Or is it I have borderline? I prefer the latter, heh.

I kept thinking, "surely I want to say more about this?" but I really can't think of anything to add. It's a lot to take in, and I'm still in the process of accepting the information so that I can then move to change.

(Hi new people! I title my entries with song lyrics, usually quite apropos lyrics because Winamp has AI most of the time. I discuss everything. I lock very little. I will have something more of substance to say later, probably con reports from APW and Frolicon.

I am debating doing one of those "things you should know about me" posts.)
kkscatnip: (sad)
Man, the whole "starting to write journal entries again" thing is harder than I expected it to be. I really have gotten into the habit of closing up completely when bad things happen or I am feeling bad; it is going to take some working for me to start opening up again the way I used to.

ramble ramble ramble )

In other news, I have started using Plurk again. Does anybody else here use it?

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kkscatnip

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