kkscatnip: (kind of n-n-nervous)
I've had this entry open and blank for two days because I am really not even sure what I want to write about. I need to write more in this journal, but I am just completely stuck on what I want to write about. (And I've been working on this entry for an additional two weeks. Go me.)

Guess I'll start with mental illness, since that's the hardest thing. Accomplish that and everything else will be easy, right? Here's to hoping! :D

My roommate and I had this extended discussion (three hours, y'all) about mental illness, wherein we discussed our own.

For anyone who is wondering, my background with mental illness, in shiny bullet points:
- 6 years old: have reoccurring, debilitating migraines, night terrors, etc; diagnosed with depression.
- 12 years old: committed to a lock-down unit due to suicidal threats; diagnosis of depression was thrown out, diagnosed bipolar.
- 25 years old: institutionalized four times within one year, once for anxiety that led to suicidal ideation, twice for plain old suicidal ideation, and once for actually trying to commit suicide (in that order); diagnosed borderline personality and generalized anxiety in addition to the bipolar diagnosis being upheld.
- 26 years old: placed on permanent disability (SSDI); I got SSDI the very first time I applied... I didn't go through the rejection/appeal process at all, probably because whatever the doctors told them did a good job of convincing them I was not functional on a long term basis.

So there's your run-down. I have been steadily prescribed medicine since I was twelve; I didn't start taking it seriously until I was sixteen or so, which was when I finally accepted that there might be something wrong with me. So it took me about four years between diagnosis of bipolar and accepting the diagnosis, pretty much. And even then it took me a year or two to really internalize accepting the illness; it's not a quick process.

Looking at it now, I think it's taken me three years to accept my diagnosis of borderline. I am in the process of accepting it now. I mean, when you look at the symptoms, it's like reading a checklist of what I have done for the vast majority of my life:

Read more... )

Reading all this, it's kind of amazing that for fourteen years nobody realized that I had this disorder.

So, I am borderline. Or is it I have borderline? I prefer the latter, heh.

I kept thinking, "surely I want to say more about this?" but I really can't think of anything to add. It's a lot to take in, and I'm still in the process of accepting the information so that I can then move to change.

(Hi new people! I title my entries with song lyrics, usually quite apropos lyrics because Winamp has AI most of the time. I discuss everything. I lock very little. I will have something more of substance to say later, probably con reports from APW and Frolicon.

I am debating doing one of those "things you should know about me" posts.)
kkscatnip: Friday Night Lights (silly)

[livejournal.com profile] smut_fest is an original fiction exchange open to all pairings. M/m, m/f, f/f, threesomes of all types, and trans* pairings as well; there is something for everyone! Sign-up for our fourth round, Dark Fantasy, and get a gift story written to your prompts/interests in exchange for writing a gift story for someone else.

We're a great community for anyone testing the water with original fiction, since you get several prompts to work from and the word count requirement is low: only 2k. Not to mention that you will get a gift come hell or high water; we recently had a round where a quarter of our participants dropped out and everyone still got a fic. Our pinch hitters are very dedicated people and have returned every round to sign-up again!

Sign up and join us today!


OMG I AM SO EXCITED FOR THE NEXT ROUND. And I am glad prompt 8 is being well-received; I really hope someone writes it *_*

Additionally, all fics have been posted for the Folklore round! There's m/m, m/f, m/m/f, f/f, and m/m/m(/m) pairings... something for everyone :3 And some of the stories are quite good, too. Mine is "Payback's A Bitch (But I Like It)"
kkscatnip: Original (Default)
About a week ago, I sat down and watched a bunch of TED talks. I do it every so often, because I like hearing in depth about the ideas that are being tossed around.

One of the videos was Shawn Achor's "The happy secret to better work" where he discusses the results of experiments on how to make people work better instead of harder.

The results were unsurprising to me: people work more efficiently when they are happy, and in order to be happy they need to not have crushing workloads and expectations, and also: they need to focus on the positivity.

It is something that I hear a lot in the mental health program that I go to, the idea of "fake it until you make it"--pretend that you are happy, and eventually you will be happy. This isn't bullshit; it's a proven fact.

If you focus your mind on being happy (or being ________) you will achieve that thing, sooner or later. Because you have a focus, and because it's just the way we are designed. This concept shows up over and over in various schools of thought... it shows up far too much to be ignored, and there are tons of experiments that show that it actually works.

So one of the things that Achor uses as an example in the video is that the workers were instructed to do a few things every single morning, for 21 days:
- Write down three gratitudes, three things that they are grateful for having/being/whatever.
- Journal about one positive experience that they had the day before.
- Exercise. Any kind of thing that moves your body around.
- Meditate in order to escape from the cultural ADHD that is all around us.
- Engage in random acts of kindness, usually in the form of sending a positive e-mail, writing a positive comment--engaging with other people in some sort of positive manner.

Five things. I have been doing them; some mornings it takes me half an hour to do it all, other mornings I stretch it out to two hours.

I genuinely feel much better than I did a few days ago. I am still stressed and feel closed in blah blah blah, but I am more productive than I was last month, which is a big thing for me!

So... it's working. We'll see what kind of mental state I am in by the end of the 21-day trial period; I have a feeling I will end up continuing to do these things.


In other news, I am going to all the conventions in the next five weeks.

This weekend (March 5-8) there is Atlanta Poly Weekend! I attended last year and had an amazing time, so I am looking forward very much to attending again this year. I will probably be volunteering again but mostly I am going for the people, to meet and learn from people.

Next week/weekend (March 15-18) is Furry Weekend Atlanta. Calvin is going to be attending and talked me into going. I figure, why the fuck not? At the very least I will be able to spend time with him, which will be fun.

I get two weeks to rest/recoup after that, and then there is Frolicon April 5-8. Bonnie has a room on the club level and we are going to be pimping like motherfuckers; I am looking forward to it. I had so much fun and met so many people last year and am looking forward to meeting even more people this year.

SO EXCITING.
kkscatnip: Fire Candy (bring it)
Meme time! Comment to this post, and I will list seven things I want you to talk about. They might make sense or they might be totally random. Then post that list, with your commentary, to your journal. Other people can get lists from you, and the meme merrily perpetuates itself.

Read more... )


Anyone wanna give it a try? :D
kkscatnip: Tales of Symphonia (K/Z beep!)
So, I had my date with Kristin. (!!!) I was so nervous as I was leaving that I left my keys in the front door. It was locked, of course. I just forgot to take my keys out. /facepalm

ramble ramble )

WIP Meme

Feb. 3rd, 2012 10:52 am
kkscatnip: (just write!)
So, here's everything I have worked on from November forward that I actually do want to finish one day. I am posting the first 300-600 words of the things, so y'all can get an actual idea of what the story is like.

Chaos Theory - sci-fi; 80k+ words; one of my NaNo projects.
Three guys and the ways and times that they meet as they bounce around the universe.

Read more... )

Machlin - fantasy; ~25k; co-written with [personal profile] penny.
This is going to be a HUGE project when it is done, but... I really do love the world and the characters that we created, so I want badly to finish it.

Read more... )

Learning Curve - sci-fi; 2.5k words.
This is a follow-up to a published story called Trust Me. I really, really want to finish this one, and then write Sera's story, and put them all together in a little anthology.

Read more... )

The Boy and the Lightning - urban fantasy; 25k words.
50k weekend project that I just ended up dropping like a bad habit because I got burnt out.

Read more... )

Demon priest - fantasy; 5k.
Just calling this one by its file name, heh. I tried to write this for an anthology, but I just felt so much like I was forcing the story. But, I do want to finish this; it's an interesting premise.

Read more... )

What You Wish For - fantasy; 54k.
This is my current project and it is going to get finished even if I have to beat it out of myself, omg. I love it so hard!

Read more... )

Yeah, I write a lot.
kkscatnip: (sad)
Man, the whole "starting to write journal entries again" thing is harder than I expected it to be. I really have gotten into the habit of closing up completely when bad things happen or I am feeling bad; it is going to take some working for me to start opening up again the way I used to.

ramble ramble ramble )

In other news, I have started using Plurk again. Does anybody else here use it?

2012 Goals

Jan. 3rd, 2012 01:27 pm
kkscatnip: (procrastination)
Goals! It's good to have goals, right? :D I dislike calling them resolutions.

Read more... )
kkscatnip: Nodame Cantabile (totally blushing)
Dear 2011,

You were a hard year for me, in a lot of ways. But I wouldn't take any of it back; I am older and wiser and it is because things were not easy.

Read more... )

Because that is another thing I learned this year, and I think this may be the most important idea of all: everyone has their own struggles. We're all just living, and trying our best, and that is all we can do. My stepdad always said something on the lines of He's doing what he can do, and that's all he can do, and I don't think it was until this year that I really began to understand what he was trying to teach me. It is an amazing lesson.

All in all, I regret nothing except for the instances where it took me a long damn time to pick up on the lessons I was being taught. I can't help it, though; I am a slow learner when I am being stubborn.

With that I will bid you farewell to you, 2011. So long and thanks for all the fish.
kkscatnip: Vocaloid (calm)
My girlfriend and I broke up. It took about a week.

She said something on the lines of "but we can't talk anymore, because I couldn't take it" so I haven't spoken to her since November 17th. Yep. It hurts, but most of what hurts is not being able to have her as a friend. Maybe someday, but I think probably not, with the way she was talking.

Post break-up, I have been thinking a lot about myself, about what I want, about how much I let other people dictate my actions. I shave because other people are uncomfortable with me going natural; I keep myself from doing "out-there" things for fear of what my family and friends will think. Essentially, I self-censor my actions, to make myself more appealing.

For what purpose, though? I realized over Thanksgiving that, beyond alienating people, there wasn't a lot of point in doing things because other people expect it. So I got my lip pierced--something I have wanted to do since I took the earring out of the top of my ear for work, five years or so ago.

I am going to dye a streak of color in my hair, too! It's another thing I've wanted for ages. Purple and blue, maybe a little red. But probably just purple and blue.

Now I am turning that type of thinking inward, wondering about my sexuality. I have always formed more lasting relationships with women; I am more visually interested in the female form than the male form.

Does it mean I am lesbian? I don't think it does. I like cock too much, I like androgyny too much, to be purely lesbian. But I do think I am going to shift my label from pansexual to queer. Queer is just more fitting, since I am really beginning to notice that yeah, I do have a bias.

Makes me wonder about writing m/m fiction, but... that's a can of worms for another day, I think.
kkscatnip: Vocaloid (calm)
Sometimes I wonder: what would my writing be like if I'd never been a part of Rent-a-Gundam?

I wouldn't be as conscious of sentence structure, for sure. I probably wouldn't vary my sentences as much or constantly remind myself to put more than actions into the text, because the reader needs to know what the characters are feeling and because it's an easy way to vary your structure.

I probably wouldn't be as into the whole publishing/editing thing as I am now, having learned a lot of what I know on the editing side from Orange. I'd done some editing before that, yeah, but it was her who really had the standards in the group and kind of imposed them on the rest of us. (Not that we were unwilling. We were just lazy.)

It's very likely that I wouldn't analyze writing the way I do now, looking for the things that make it awesome or boring. And ways to make a paragraph intentionally monotonous or intentionally anything else.

I wouldn't have quite so much storytelling experience under my belt.

And the most important thing I learned from RAG, I think, is how to produce. How to buckle down and just write. And write. And write a little bit more.

I wouldn't be as good of a writer without RAG. I'm not sure how much worse I'd be for sure (all of that RP with Lucy did a lot to improve my writing before RAG ever happened) because I was a decent writer before, but I think without RAG I'd never have really paid attention to writing the way I did when I was neck-deep in writing during every bit of free time.

I'm really thankful for RAG. For Orange and Typo and Veda, and for all the RAG fans. For [profile] tensergorn.

My life would really not be the same if I'd never found that prompt, I think.
kkscatnip: AnoHana (sexytimes)
It's come around again to [community profile] smut_fest sign-ups. I'm super-excited (and super-nervous) this round because it seems like a lot of the sign-ups are looking for threesomes (threesomes with men and women, too, which makes me happy--now we've had a f/f round and a m/m round, maybe we'll get a m/f round out of the deal) BUT we have a folklore focus.

I really love reading folklore, but I'm pretty crap at writing it. So, nervous about that. But threesomes. I would do anything for well-written threesomes *_* even trying my hand at folklore.

So, uh, yeah: if you like folklore (check the sign-up--everything and anything is fair game) and original fic or you want to write/read threesomes, or you're just interested in trying out smut_fest... check it out! We have wonderful writers who come back every round (five sign-ups so far, and I haven't pimped it at all) and pinch-hitters who are superb and come through every single time so you're assured to get something :D


In other news, I found out yesterday that I am moving on Saturday. Uhhhh yeah. Cue running around like a chicken with my head cut off! The good part is, with this much shit to do I can't possibly have any time to be depressed.
kkscatnip: (kind of n-n-nervous)
Wrote this for my August bingo cards!

Card one has 17 pieces (500-1k words, generally; two bingos + other stories) set in the world of Heirloom, a longer novel that I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do with. These stories are set all over the place, though mostly in the time right after Samair and Ari arrive at the capital.

It's a pretty downer story/universe (this is what happens when your twin brother turns you into an immortal artifact) and so most of the stories are kind of downers. Also, incest. /forewarning.

Card one )

Card two has only one story, because I very suddenly had to find a place to move and pack all my shit. The world is one with three characters that I'll be writing all next year for SSBB.

Card two )
kkscatnip: (lazy affection)
Thanks to IRC, I'm trying to come up with a list of movies that were really awesome when we were kids but are still good now that we're grown-up too. Feel free to suggest things!

Read more... )

This list is AKA "Movies every kid should see", heh.
kkscatnip: Fire Candy (bring it)
So I'm going through my stuff and throwing things out, because I am moving on the 27th. But I'm also trying to do something larger than that in addition: a house-cleaning of everything I engage on a daily basis.

That means that I have new icons and have deleted something like 50 of my old ones. I haven't gone through my icons like that in years! I kind of want to make a new moodset too, but I really don't have very many images to work with in that respect so it might be better to wait with that. Plus I have a zillion and one things to do in the next two weeks.

I'm debating doing a sweep of my flist, just people that never post or who I don't read their journal or anything like that. It's not like I post any f-locked entries nowadays anyway (or many entries at all, heh) so it wouldn't really effect their reading of my journal. Hmm. Maybe after I move.

Packing this time (as opposed to when I was in Boston) feels good. I'm taking out the trash. :D

I use the chipper mood icon a lot, I think. So I'll put grateful this time, because I'm glad that mentally I am at the place that I am right now.

Gimmie more

Aug. 2nd, 2011 03:09 pm
kkscatnip: Fire Candy (bring it)
Man, it's been a while. Shit has happened!

Read more... )

And that's the summary of the last month and a half. :D
kkscatnip: Nodame Cantabile (totally blushing)
Trip time. I'm going to be gone from tomorrow until the 25th, pretty much. There may be internet access, there may not, but I won't be reading my flist during that time. Hit me up in e-mail (preferably one of my gmail e-mails, since I get alerts for those on my phone) if you need something urgent!

kkscatnip: Fire Candy (trying to find my happy place)
Been stuck out on a farm these last two weeks. I got paid for it, but I also got to spend two weeks without internet access aside from what little I could do with my phone.

How is everybody doing? Anything happen that I need to know about? I've gotten ten pages back on my flist reading and still am not caught up @_@;; I fear I won't be able to, at this rate.

[livejournal.com profile] smut_fest sign-ups technically closed today but we're going to keep them open another couple days because we only had eight people sign-up. If you write original fic--any type; we have a strong showing of F/F writers on these sign-ups :D :D :D--please consider signing up! If you've signed up, poke your friends! More is always merrier.

Sign-ups are here and the due date actually isn't until mid-August so you'd have a respectable amount of time to complete your 2k or longer fic. It's just a fun little thing to do, and we had some really good writers last round :3
kkscatnip: Original (beep!)
[livejournal.com profile] narroch and I went to Gaylaxicon/Outlanta con this weekend! It was tons of fun, and we got TONS OF FREE SHIT.

- Gift bag from Angelina Sparrow
- 2 Chapbooks from Angelina Sparrow
- Nikolai by Angelina Sparrow
- Mind Fuck by Manna Francis
- Outland by Kiernan Kelly (signed)
- Two different discs of short stories by Kiernan Kelly
- I Put A Spell On You Anthology (signed by Kiernan Kelly)
- A wooden sandal that says "Aloha" on it that works fabulously as a paddle

Additionally, I got paper copies of Change of Heart and Trusted Bonds for $20, because after tipping Consuite literally all I had in my wallet was a twenty and the ladies at the Dreamspinner table were made of awesome and win.

We have so much shit to read. This is exciting!
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